Three Ways to Fall
by OutgoingIntrovert
Summary: Kaoru hides his pain well. He lives in the shadow of his twin Hikaru, where he is plagued with dreams of falling, self-loathing, and the pain of unrequited love. When the agony is almost too much to bear, he finds a new friend in an unexpected place. Can this new-found friendship help Kaoru on the road of recovery? Or will secrets tear them both down? (KaoruxHika & KaoruxOC)


Hi there everyone, I've returned!

I know I abandoned my last story, and I apologise for that, but school work and writer's block really take a toll.

Don't fret though! I'm taking several of the elements of the other story and integrating them into this one, so really it'll be like a revamped version with slightly altered pairings.

Even though this chapter has elements of KaoxHika, I'm ultimately planning for it to be KaoxOC, just a heads up!

Reviews are always appreciated :) Enjoy!

* * *

_Kaoru was falling._

_He didn't know how long he'd been falling, or how much further until he hit the ground, assuming there was a ground.  
For all he knew he could be dead, falling through a bottomless abyss, his own personal purgatory; soul forever stuck between heaven and hell. It wasn't an awful thought, even if it was completely improbable.  
Kaoru barked a short laugh at the absurdity of the situation as he continued to fall through the seemingly infinite darkness, all the while, a distant, shrill cry rang in his ears._

*RIIIING*

The mild trill of the alarm clock seemed more like a wailing siren as it jolted Kaoru from his fitful slumber. He groggily lifted a hand to press the snooze button when the ringing stopped abruptly. Confused, Kaoru managed to right himself and turned his head dazedly to assess the situation. Only a few feet away stood his twin brother, Hikaru, a mischievous grin graced over his lips as he leaned against the bedside table.

"Rise and shine, Kaoru." the older boy purred in a low, almost-mocking voice.  
Kaoru closed his eyes and curled further into his bed feeling a dull ache rise in his chest.  
"Hika, I saw the clock, it's only 6:45. We still have at least 30 minutes before we need to be up." he growled.

Without warning, Hikaru slid gracefully onto the bed, sitting right beside Kaoru's unmoving body, leaving only the smallest of spaces between them. The elder gently took hold of Kaoru's hand and slowly traced the each of the creases etched into the soft skin, as though following the trails of a map.

"Yes," Hikaru ventured, his voice smooth as honey and just as sweet, "but imagine the possibilities a few extra minutes can hold."

He brought his lips to meet the soft skin of his younger brother's slightly trembling fingers. Kaoru was now sitting up, facing Hikaru, but his eyes remained downcast, flicking up occasionally to glance at his twin's angelic face. He could feel his pulse quicken as Hikaru's lips traced the crimson and blue veins of his forearm, each moment of contact searing across his skin like a wave of fire. So this was how torture felt.

Hikaru lifted his eyes to meet Kaoru's. For a moment, he betrayed a hint of uncertainty before returning to the slightly innocent, but sensual gaze that had Kaoru in a silent rapture.  
Hikaru inched closer, leaning into his brother's face. His lips parted slightly to allow his tongue to slip past them; wet them, just enough.

The wall clock in the corner voiced each passing second, the agonizingly slow rhythm irregularly conflicting with the accelerated pace of Kaoru's own heartbeat. The dull ache grew more insistent as Hikaru closed the gap between them, his lips and hands meeting the milky, smooth skin of the younger boy's neck. He let out a soft appreciative moan against the flesh, letting a free hand snake around Kaoru's body.

Kaoru leaned his head against the wall behind him and closed his eyes. A shudder racked his body as Hikaru's slender fingers playfully tugged at the waistband of his boxers.

Hikaru smiled against his brother's skin,  
"Yes, I'm sure there's a lot we could, mm, _get up_to in 30 minutes." his voice reflected his amusement at the double entendre of the words as a melodious laugh escaped him.

By now, the relentless ache in Kaoru's chest was threatening to spread to the nether regions of his body. Kaoru bit his lip until he tasted blood, and clutched the sheets beneath him tightly hoping to distract himself from Hikaru's insistent ministrations.  
Suddenly, too suddenly, too soon. Hikaru pulled back and looked expectantly back at his brother.  
He shook the bed slightly as he bounced up and down with anticipation.

"So, Kao-chan, what did you think?"

Kaoru's eyes snapped open and he lowered his head to meet Hikaru's childish gaze. He could feel his throat closing, thick and dry, and he swallowed hard before attempting to speak.

"T-think?" he asked, still fighting the physical reactions to his brother's tender touch.

Hikaru knitted his eyebrows together in frustration,  
"Yes, yes, what did you think of my little performance? Was it sensual enough? Do you think I have what it takes?"

Kaoru cocked his head to the side, his confusion evident in expression.

"I− I really have no idea what you're talking about."

With a dramatic sigh, Hikaru rolled his eyes and flopped back onto the bed, clearly exasperated with his brother's lack of knowledge.  
"The musical Kaoru," he offered, "Remember? Our theatre troupe is doing a production of _The Boy From Oz _and I'm auditioning for the part of young Peter Allen, the charming and sexual entertainer." He waggled his eyebrows in a faux-suggestive manner.

Kaoru blinked. So that's what it had been. Another one of Hikaru's infamous bursts of method acting that became more and more frequent as theatre auditions drew near.

Hikaru sat up and leaned forward, his eyes wide and playful.  
"Sooo..?"

Kaoru's body went rigid, perfectly matching the stone cold expression on his face.

"It was brilliant. I'm sure the director will be begging you to play the part."  
Kaoru recited the words monotonously. He'd said them before, and he knew he'd say them a million times more if that's what it took to convince Hikaru that he was good enough. He was always good enough.

Without waiting for Hikaru's relieved response, Kaoru got out of the bed and made his way to the bathroom, slightly slamming the door on his way out.

Once safely within the confines of his bathroom, Kaoru turned on the shower, forcing the water as hot as it would go, steam filling the room quickly. For a moment, he looked into the mirror, studying himself for the first time that morning.  
He took in the slender frame of the figure's shoulders and torso. He ran his fingers through his thick, auburn hair and stared into the tired amber eyes of the boy on the other side of the glass, their movements perfectly synchronised.

At a glance, the boy looked nothing less than normal. Kaoru smirked maliciously, resentfully. He knew better. The boy in the mirror was a disgrace.

_An abomination._

The notoriously imperfect copy of a relentlessly perfect being.

Kaoru looked down at his arms. They were striped with pink lines too faint to see from a distance, all of which marked the times he'd been too weak to control himself, too unstable to accept how he felt. He'd had to make himself feel... different. Somehow.

Kaoru closed his eyes and remembered the burst of clarity that had partnered with the single moment of searing pain as warm, crimson ribbons flowed down his arm, how the twinge of tearing skin had felt like a breath of fresh air against his constricting emotions. He gripped the side of the counter, gritting his teeth against the memory, his breaths coming short and ragged.

Knuckles white from the pressure, Kaoru slowly regained his composure, attempting to push the thoughts far into the recesses of his mind. He didn't need this, did he?  
He couldn't help but let his eyes drift to the corner of room where his razor lay hidden behind various bottles and tubes.

The shower whistled like a kettle, the water having reached near boiling temperature. The sound reminded Kaoru of the piercing echo of the noise in his dream. Hm.

He stepped under the stream of the shower, not bothering to check the temperature; the hotter the better he'd learned.

The scalding water pelted against his flesh, painful red welts and blisters forming where it spalshed. Kaoru tensed for a moment, and then relaxed again adjusting to the harsh beating of the shower stream. He glanced in the mirror again and watched his porcelain skin flush deep red. This was almost as good, he thought. It still hurt, and certainly eliminated the hassle of a clean-up.

Yes, this was definitely good enough for now. Kaoru decided as he scrubbed his body raw, absently wondering if there were a way to physically cleanse himself of the way he felt internally.

_Perhaps drinking bleach, ha. Ridiculous._

He laughed a dry, humourless laugh. It was a cynical, unfamiliar sound.

A soft knock at the door pulled Kaoru from his morose, sadistic thoughts.

"Kaoru?" Hikaru's voice called tentatively from the other side.

Kaoru stood still and shut his eyes. Hikaru.  
Perfection personified. The loveliest combination of spontenaeity, innovation and beauty. His twin. They were supposed to be carbon copies. "Identical". Ha.  
Hikaru excelled at everything he tried. He'd learned piano, cello, guitar and violin on his own, gotten the lead in every production he auditioned for, and was generally a people person, despite being a tad crass at times.  
Kaoru could never measure up. Though he played the part of his brother's equal with ease, the struggle to fit the role was real.  
Not to mention that bloody aching he felt every time Hikaru was anywhere near him.

Hikaru spoke again.  
"Kaoru, I'm serious, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to freak you out okay? I just wanted to practice my characterization!"

Kaoru turned off the water, Hikaru still rambling and apologising profusely from behind the door. The younger boy let a small, sad smile play across his lips as he threw a towel across his waist and exited the bathroom.  
He found himself face to face with Hikaru, who had stopped speaking mid- sentence and was now staring back with fretful eyes and rocking on his heels just the slightest bit.

"I really am sorry."

Kaoru sighed quietly. Hikaru didn't need to apologise. He hadn't done anything wrong.  
It was Kaoru who had let himself get lost in an impossible fantasy and selfishly desired that which he could never have. He lifted a finger and tenderly brushed a stray hair from his brother's face, careful not to let his hand linger a moment too long. Then, smoothly stepping around Hikaru, Kaoru murmured a few concluding words to end the discussion before it ventured into territory he couldn't bear.

"You don't ever need to apologise to someone like me Hikaru."  
Softer, only to himself, he added,  
"I'm not worth it." and walked to their room without looking back.

Hikaru stared after him for a moment, vaguely bewildered. He dismissed the confusion with a resigned sigh, merely relieved to be forgiven.

Kaoru sat down on the messy bed. The warmth from their intertwining bodies had vanished, and the mattress seemed too big as he rested there alone.

Closing his eyes, he let himself fall backward, trying to recapture the liberating, yet restricting sensation he'd felt falling through the darkness in his dream. For a brief moment, he almost believed it were possible. His mildest glimmer of hope was interrupted by the feeling of his back connecting with the rumpled sheets.  
Disillusioned, Kaoru sat back up immediately, and stared out the window to his right. He was on the third floor.

_Not high enough._

He wondered if any height would truly be high enough. Then he wondered why he was thinking about how high was high enough. Kaoru took a deep, soothing breath to clear his mind.

"I'm better than this." he reminded himself. He wasn't quite sure who he was trying to convince, but he repeated the reassuring words to himself as he dressed himself, as he politely declined the breakfast offer from the maid, and as he strode down their grand driveway to meet Hikaru in the limo, Kaoru found himself almost believing the mantra's message.

But as they pulled away, the silent atmosphere of the vehicle allowed for his momentary contentment to be replaced with a somber disposition. The jovial feelings vanished so suddenly, Kaoru couldn't help but wonder if he'd just imagined them to begin with.

Kaoru's gaze rested just across from him, on Hikaru, who was mouthing the lines of the song he needed to memorise for his audition, eyes flitting lightning fast across the page in front of him, not once rising to meet the longing gaze directed at him.

The younger twin laid his head back and closed his eyes resignedly. An unwanted wave of exhaustion washed over him. He suddenly felt very tired; maybe there'd be enough time to catch a short nap before arriving at school. Kaoru relaxed as his head grew fuzzy, his thoughts becoming an indistinguishable blur. Gratefully, he welcomed the sleep that crept upon him, slowly, gently.

_He dreamed he was in a dark place, far too dark to see anything.  
It was cold, even though he was sweating. He sensed something cliff-like before him.  
Teetering over the edge, he found himself unable— unwilling, really, to maintain his balance. He smiled slightly as a rushing sensation filled him._

_Before he knew it, he was falling._

* * *

There you go! Chapter 1!

I know it seems vague but I have SOSOSOSO many ideas for this one, I hope it's not disappointing.

Thanks for reading,

Carys

(P.S. Since I'm on break I'll likely update at least twice within a week or two)


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